Healing Identity Fractioning | S3E9 (E029)
In health, and in life we often face internal conflict. But how do you resolve that conflict in a way that not only provides solutions, but also nurtures your nervous system and healing capacity? This internal conflict can be related to health, but as you will hear, it quickly can show up in other areas, like career move decisions, relationships, etc. This week Evie and Toréa talk through a process called Parts Integration so you can gain insight into the power of this kind of coaching.
In This Episode
How does Identity Fragmentation occur? (01:15)
Language cues of fragmentation (02:15)
Evie’s experience with Parts Integration (03:40)
Discovering the common purpose (05:30)
Using journaling for parts integration (08:48)
Areas in health where we see fragmentation (12:34)
Fragmentation shows up in decision making (15:17)
Career decisions (18:40)
The temporary nature of experience (19:59)
The biological impact of fragmentation (21:18)
Resources Mentioned
Transcript
Toréa Rodriguez 0:08
Welcome to the Wildly Optimized Wellness podcast. I am your host, Toréa Rodriguez. And I’m joined by the lovely co host, Evie Takacs. Both of us are Functional Diagnostic Nutrition practitioners and we love working with women from all over the world, through our virtual programs, helping women not only feel better, but actually achieve that vibrant, no holds barred version of themselves, they’ve been missing for a long time, and how we actually get there. Well, that is what this show is all about. Now, please keep in mind that this podcast is created for educational purposes only and should never be used as a replacement for medical diagnosis or treatment. And if you like what you hear today, we would love for you to hit that follow button, leave a review in Apple podcast, share with your friends, and keep coming back for more. Let’s start today’s adventure shall we?
Toréa Rodriguez 1:08
So today, Evie and I want to talk about a fun, while I call it fun, because all this like coaching technique stuff is fun, right?
Evie Takacs 1:15
I think it's fun.
Toréa Rodriguez 1:15
But a technique that I learned at my NLP practitioner training that I went to in May. But really, we want to talk about this common thing that happens to us as human beings, which is we end up through our experiences through hearing people have certain judgments about ourselves separate in different parts of ourselves. So it's formally called Parts Fragmentation and it really can happen, you know, when we're experiencing a parent saying like, No, you cannot be loud right now. So then we tell ourselves, okay, I have to be quiet, like part of me over here, the noisy part of me has to go away. So I can be quiet, right? These are the kinds of experiences that we have that can fragment off these different parts of ourselves and we are made up of many, many, many, many parts. And I think that it's an interesting thing that can happen is that the more we do it, the more that our entire being shifts, the more that our biology shifts as a result, and then we can start to really rabbit hole down the self critic hole, right, we can be really judgmental towards ourselves.
Evie Takacs 1:15
Yeah.
Toréa Rodriguez 1:39
And so this technique that I learned was talking about how do we gain unity again. So Evie, and I wanted to talk about this today. Because, if you start to listen to the language that we all use, when we start saying things like, well, a part of me wants to eat healthy, because I know that if I eat healthy, I'll help heal my autoimmune disease. But that also means that I can't go out to restaurants with a friend. So, but then there's another part of me that wants to go out to the restaurant with my friends, because I don't want to miss out on social, I love them, I want to hang out with them. And I don't want to miss out. So we end up with this internal conflict. And so the part of us that wants to go out to the restaurant is judging the healthy person. I'm like, Why are you always so strict all the time? And then the other person is like, Gosh, why, Why are you so weak? Why are you going to the restaurant, you know, why are you giving into temptation, et cetera, et cetera? And of course, these things come pouring out of my mouth, because I experienced them. Myself. Right?
Evie Takacs 3:19
Yeah, same. I know. Yeah. Sounds like me.
Toréa Rodriguez 3:22
I think I want to kick off this episode Evie and just kind of describe your experience. Because we work together on a particular issue where you were feeling a lot of conflict in a particular area, we use some of these techniques to integrate those parts together. What was that experience for you? How was that?
Evie Takacs 3:40
That? So Toréa has done a lot of she's, you know, well, I have willingly done a lot of these things with her for like NLP and just getting a subconscious mind and really, like, you know, working through the six big emotions and all that. But the most impactful one, I think, for me, honestly, was this parts integration that we did. And this was like one of my first experiences with this NLP because we did this before we did the big six emotions. And it's funny, because now that you talk about paying attention to the language, I can think back to my language prior to when we discussed this, and it was, well a part of me wants this, but another part of me wants that, and I did feel so torn, but I didn't realize that I felt torn, like I was just saying, a part of me wants this a part of me wants that. But I didn't. It didn't register with me in my brain that wow, I feel really torn right now. It just felt like chaos
Toréa Rodriguez 4:30
Yeah, frustration.
Evie Takacs 4:31
And so
Toréa Rodriguez 4:32
Two pieces are at odds like frustrated or bitter.
Evie Takacs 4:33
Yeah, it was a lot of frustration.
Toréa Rodriguez 4:36
Or, you know, angry or whatever.
Evie Takacs 4:38
Yeah, yeah. And so we did that. And again, it was a really big topic and heavy topic, and what you did was you helped me identify that the part of Evie that wants this and the part of Evie that wants that if somebody wants the same exact thing, right? It really does come down to it. And, I had never considered that of like, well, no This part of me wants this in my life. But then the other part of me is saying that I want that. And those are clearly opposites. But what you helped me identify is that they might sound like opposites on the surface level of, okay, you either want option A or B. However, at the root of them, those things are giving you the exact same thing. And that's something that I was not able to identify on my own. So we worked through this, and you know, you'll explain that process. And the final result was like, I'm not at odds with myself,
Toréa Rodriguez 5:29
Yeah.
Evie Takacs 5:30
This version of Evie that wants this, and this version of Evie that wants that. Actually, these are the exact same things, I just didn't realize it because they're dressed differently, they wear different masks, but they're the exact same thing at the root, and that was really, really enlightening, and it took a huge weight off of me, because I no longer felt like I was at odds with myself.
Toréa Rodriguez 5:49
Yeah, It's so so so powerful to see when we can reunite parts of ourselves, because I mean, to be quite honest, and fair part of the human experience is to go through traumas, and as we go through traumas, and as we learn how to keep ourselves safe, this Identity Fragmentation, if you will, is it's a safety mechanism. It's how we respond to traumas, it's how we respond to certain people, and influential people, like our parents and our teachers, and you know, the pastors at church, like all of those different people are influential in our lives, and when they say something, not intentionally to be mean. But when they are trying to give us guidance as a young, active, crazy kid, right out of control kid, we try and give those kids guidance, and oftentimes, what can result and does result is this identity fragmentation. You know, and I use that example of you need to be quiet, you know, that's something that we would hear from teachers, like, you cannot be loud in the classroom. I heard that a lot, right, and so then it became clear that oh, the part of myself that likes to be loud and vocal, I can't bring her to that classroom, right.
Toréa Rodriguez 6:58
So then the person that would show up to the classroom would be the diligent, quiet, meek student, and later on, you know, that would come into conflict, and I'm using a very simple example here. But later on, that comes into conflict, where one part of me wants to be expressive. But the other part of me doesn't want that expression for fear of what might happen, right. And so that exercise that you and I did really was about identifying and getting in touch with, each of these parts, understanding what is the basis for their desire, why do they want that kind of behavior? Why did they want that kind of experience? And then using a process of just asking some continual questions of what is the intention, Right? What is the purpose? What's the best part about this? And it really kind of bringing it up, so to speak. So using questions to kind of layer up so that we actually discover that each part of us has a highest intention for ourselves, right? It's just like, God has the highest intention?
Evie Takacs 7:59
Yeah.
Toréa Rodriguez 8:00
We each have this highest intention.
Evie Takacs 8:02
Yeah, yeah, you would ask me. So you're okay. Let's start with this part of you. Okay, well, what do you think she wants? Or why do you think she wants that? And I'd say, oh, because I want to feel happier, I want to feel accomplished, or I want to feel right, or I want to feel this. And then you'd ask the same series of questions about the other version of Evie that I felt I was at odds with, and you're like, Well, what do you think her purposes? Or why do you think she wants that, and it was the same thing of I want to feel loved, I want to feel supported. I want to feel this. And so as I'm answering these questions, I'm like, Oh, my gosh, like, both of these parts of me want the same thing. It's just to me to be loved and supported and have a fulfilling life.
Toréa Rodriguez 8:38
Yeah.
Evie Takacs 8:38
And I thought that these were complete opposites for the longest time, but each, you know, this, and that option, A and B actually are going to end up the same thing of me being happy, fulfilled, safe, all of those things.
Toréa Rodriguez 8:48
It's really and part of the reason why we wanted to talk about it and describe what the technique is like, it's very effective if you're working with a coach who is trained in the technique, and you can do it together. But this is something that's very easily done through journaling, of just getting curious about each different part of yourself, like, well, what does that person want for me? What does that part of myself, you know, hold as the highest purpose for this. And oftentimes, our parts are just trying to keep us safe. They're trying to keep us connected, and they're trying to keep us loved, right? It always boils down to Love, Safety, Belonging. And it's lovely in that way, because we can then use self compassion towards those different parts of ourselves. And that is the piece that kind of heals it and brings it back together into unity is all of a sudden we're like, oh, they want the same thing. Well, that's nice. And it sounds a little trite coming out of my mouth that way, but it is kind of a really interesting discovery, especially if we are working on trying to find compassion for parts of ourselves that we don't like, because we all have them. Right? I don't like it when I'm snooty towards other people, and you know, I don't really like her when she shows up. But if I do a little bit of journaling around, like, why is she doing that behavior? Usually it's around protection, right? She's trying to protect me in some kind of way. And that gives me a whole lot of compassion. Because I know how I am when I'm being like, fiercely protective of my friends.
Evie Takacs 10:21
Yeah,
Toréa Rodriguez 10:21
Right. Or my family members. I know how I get
Evie Takacs 10:24
Yeah. Honestly, to equate it, if I had to give a visual, it would be that emoji where like, the brain is exploding. That's what it felt like when we finally got to the end of like, oh, my gosh, like, these are the exact same and it was just mind blowing to me.
Toréa Rodriguez 10:38
Yeah. And I love that you had that experience. I think that was the exact same experience I had, when I went through the first time I have experienced it with a coach many, many, many, many years ago, she was trained in the same techniques, she helped me with this and I was like, wow, that's it is quite amazing to have that experience of recognizing I don't have to be in such self conflict all the time. And that I can actually negotiate a little bit with these different parts of ourselves so that we can come together and work together. So I like to think of all the different parts of myself, sometimes I like to imagine that I'm in this giant stadium, like if you imagine this giant concert stadium, and all the different parts of ourselves are filling every single seat, right? And we're all here to work together. And how do we get to work together? And this is one of those ways of just really constantly asking ourselves like, what's the intention here? What's the higher intention of what's happening right now? Yeah,
Evie Takacs 11:40
Yeah.
Toréa Rodriguez 11:41
I think the another reason why we wanted to talk about this today is because it's so common in the work that we do, we hear this a lot. So maybe we can give some examples, because that'll help it resonate, we kind of got a little bit into the like, oh, how does this work kind of thing really quick. But examples of how this works. Common example that I hear a lot is around eating and learning how to eat more healthfully. And then the other part of themselves likes the sugar, or likes the convenience, or likes the old way of doing things by going out with their friends who'd like to go and get, you know, fries and beer on Friday nights, you know, that kind of thing. That's where I see a lot of this parts separation or fragmentation, when somebody is trying to establish a healthy habit, what are some examples? You've heard of it? You're experienced yourself? Actually. Yeah.
Evie Takacs 12:34
Well, similar to those of it, this is a little bit more broad. But just in general, like, if there's someone that comes in works with, they come for a consultation, and we talk about the process, and a part of them really wants to do it. But then the other part of them is like, I don't know if it's the right time, or I don't know, like, I don't know, if I should really be investing this right now. Like, I don't know, like, I have other things going on, like a part of me wants to do it. But then the other part of me is like, it's probably not the best time for me and so there's that kind of like opposition going on with them of, you know, should they really start taking their health into their own hands? Or, you know, a part of them is like, No, we like the way things have been similar to what the food example like, why would we stop going and getting beer and fries with our friends, this is what we do, like a part of me wants to be doing this, this is fun. But the other part of me knows that there's probably a lot more health and a lot of more feeling better on the other side, if I don't do this, but they feel really stuck. They can't make that decision. And that again, leads to frustration.
Toréa Rodriguez 13:31
Yeah, and I think, you know, it's it doesn't always have to be health related these examples, because this happens a lot with behavior. I gave that example of the noisy kid in school. We've all seen that person or been that person in school, right, that gets reprimanded and, I mean, this is what can lead towards kind of a feeling of being trapped, maybe, or not being able to express oneself because they've been told they can't be a certain way by so many people throughout their life, that now they don't know how to show up. Yeah, right. So then there's a little bit of that like trepidation wherever they go and I even have had a friend and colleague who described her experience with parts fragmentation that got so far down the path, right through repeated traumas over the years and repeated experiences over the years, that there was nothing left but depression, and suicidal thoughts. And this work literally saved her life because she was finally able to see that she could integrate these different parts of herself. And it took a while to do a lot of this work and it can be hard work. It also can be easy and quick work.
Evie Takacs 14:44
Yeah,
Toréa Rodriguez 14:45
But it took a while to start learning that way of recognizing what those higher purposes are, what are the higher intentions of those parts, so that she could integrate and have that unity again, because it's my belief that we are all born I'm completely unified, we have unity when we're born, right? It's our experience that starts to separate those things out. So yeah, it can, it can be in behavior and it can be in how we interact with the world. That's where a lot of this fragmentation can come from.
Evie Takacs 15:17
And the big one, actually, for myself, which, you know, years ago at this point, but well, not that long ago, but years ago of, do I want to go full time with health coaching? Or am I going to stay a teacher, right, like a part of me wanted to stay in that comfortable position of I want to be a teacher, I want to do this, this is what I know, I, you know, there's a lot of good things about it. But then a part of me wants to take that risk. So it was like the part of me that wants to be safe, and stay where you know, stay where you are, don't move, don't touch anything, and then the other part of me is like, Well, why would you do that? I mean, I am lucky, my family has been very supportive. But I do know people that it's could be a family influential thing for them of like, their family is like, why would you take that risk? Why would you do that? You know, like, I have an entrepreneur, my family, so they they get that. But I hear that from friends of like, Oh, I wish I could just do that a part of me wishes I would just try. But then the other part of me knows that I should just stay in the safe job.
Toréa Rodriguez 16:10
Yeah.
Evie Takacs 16:10
And so I think that's a big one that a lot of people go through and that I've heard from
Toréa Rodriguez 16:13
So true. I mean, career decisions in that way, especially if we're trying to pivot into a different direction. Absolutely that can come up. I mean, I've changed careers a number of times in my life and it's a little comical, a little embarrassing, I don't know what you want to call it, maybe it's inspiring for some people,
Evie Takacs 16:29
I would choose inspiring,
Toréa Rodriguez 16:31
We'll choose inspiring. But, you know, I have made some major shifts from the tech industry to aviation into the health industry and each time there was that conflict of like, oh, I don't know. But I have a job now, and I have benefits, and I have, I'll say "Security" in quotes We don't need to get into that topic right now. But, you know, it's like the it does, actually, it's a great example, because those career choices does have to do with a part of ourselves. And the real question is, so when you were changing from being a teacher to be a health coach, the part of you that wanted to be a teacher? What was it that she was really wondering, do you remember?
Evie Takacs 17:08
To feel like her talents are being used and to help other people and to feel comfortable and safe? And yeah, I guess "Security" in quotes.
Toréa Rodriguez 17:18
Yeah. And the part of you that wanted to be a health coach, what did she want?
Evie Takacs 17:23
I wanted to help people. Yeah, I wanted to have more freedom and I wanted to feel like I was using my skills in the way that they are meant to be used.
Toréa Rodriguez 17:34
Yeah. And what did the teacher part of you? What does she ultimately want for Evie? What was the highest purpose of her intentions of trying to keep you in the teaching job? Because we all know how it turned out?
Evie Takacs 17:45
Yeah. It was a place to I think highest purpose was to serve other people.
Toréa Rodriguez 17:53
Yeah. And then the coach was the highest purpose of that?
Evie Takacs 17:57
To serve other people.
Toréa Rodriguez 17:58
Yeah. Yeah. And when we're in service, that's a pretty beautiful thing to be in. Here's why I love this job so much.
Evie Takacs 18:05
Yeah, yeah.
Toréa Rodriguez 18:06
Because I'm in service to people, I get to connect with people in a way that I could never connect. Sure, some of my crew members were amazing. I am not able to connect with people in, in aviation in the way that I can connect here. Right, and that's very gratifying, and to know that both of them the teacher version and the health coach version, want the same thing means that whichever path you choose, is the right one and so.
Evie Takacs 18:31
Yeah.
Toréa Rodriguez 18:32
It might make it a little bit harder to make that decision. But at the same time, it's not going to feel in conflict. Right?
Evie Takacs 18:40
Right, and it takes away the thing of there's a like wrong decision. Because it's like, is there really a wrong decision? Because if you're ultimately getting to that higher version, or that highest purpose of what you are going to choose, then is it really considered a wrong decision? Or could it just be a decision that you make that you could always change later on? Yeah, I think we severely underestimate our ability to problem solve, and that keeps us stuck from making decisions like that. It's like, okay, you sure go this route, and okay, if you give it an honest chance, you know, really honest, chance still doesn't work out. You can problem solve and I think that's what keeps people stuck, too, is like they're afraid they're gonna make the wrong decision. But when you look at it from that lens, there really isn't a wrong decision.
Toréa Rodriguez 19:24
Yeah, our brain has a lovely way of determining that what my experience is right now, what my circumstances are right now is going to be forever.
Evie Takacs 19:35
Yeah, I know,
Toréa Rodriguez 19:36
Which makes me laugh and giggle all the time because I comes flying out of my mouth, and in my thoughts all the time of like, well, what if it's always going to be this way? Right. And I always have to remind myself that everything in life that we have is temporary, and when I view life through that lens, life becomes very precious, you know. It's like the happy moments are temporary. Well, if they're only temporary, I'm going to save for them.
Evie Takacs 19:59
Yeah.
Toréa Rodriguez 19:59
And if the sad moments are temporary then I know that I can get through them and I like it. I like that lens. So I'm sticking with that for now.
Evie Takacs 20:09
Yeah, it takes the pressure off of things having to be perfect all the time, too.
Toréa Rodriguez 20:14
Yeah.
Evie Takacs 20:14
Because you know, like, Okay, this isn't gonna last forever. It's okay. Like, should I really spend this much time trying to make it absolutely perfect and flawless? Or should I just enjoy it while I have it now?
Toréa Rodriguez 20:24
Yeah. Yeah, it's really cool. So yeah, so this this fragmentation piece, right? We all have it, I think just bringing some awareness to the folks that are listening to the podcast to understand if like, if you ever catch yourself saying, Well, part of me wants this and and part of me wants that we all say it very naturally, in our language, or everyday language, when we're talking with people, that is a really great opportunity to sit down and maybe do some journaling about, you know, what is each part of that person, desire for ourselves, and really understand what that purpose is. And we can do this self integration work together, because what happens is that our home island, so to speak, starts to get bigger and bigger, or that stadium starts to get filled more and more with the parts of ourselves that are here to work together, and it changes the way that we express our physiology. So let me explain that in a little bit more simplified terms.
Toréa Rodriguez 21:18
So when we are spending a lot of time kind of holding parts of ourselves at bay, right, that's a lot of work. Because the brain has to be like, Oh, but you're in the classroom. So don't bring the noisy version of yourself. And that's a lot of like noise going on in the background, which adds to our level of stress. So from that physiological standpoint, that can be an extra stressor that happens to a lot of us, and the emotions that are involved in that right are going to be expressed in a particular part of our body. So we may notice, the more we do this kind of work in this kind of journaling, or coaching or however you're going to go about it, you may start to notice that your physiology starts to shift as you integrate parts back together, because you don't have that constant noise going on in the background. It's like, oh, no, gotta keep this part over here in this part over here, it's kind of like herding cats is one way to describe it. Or oftentimes, like you'll see a mother dog with a big litter of puppies, and the puppies are all scattered around, and she's nervously trying to get them all in the same spot. That is the kind of like work that we're doing with all the different parts if we're trying to keep them all separate, and so if you think about that, from a stress standpoint, why not bring it back together? Right? Why not have less of that busyness going on in the background? That constant noise going on in the background? It's kind of the same kind of way that clutter messes with our stress response to?
Evie Takacs 22:45
Yeah.
Toréa Rodriguez 22:45
A whole different story?
Evie Takacs 22:46
Yes, yeah.
Toréa Rodriguez 22:47
Yeah.
Evie Takacs 22:48
Yeah. But I like the visual of like herding cats or trying to get all the puppies in one spot.
Toréa Rodriguez 22:52
Yeah.
Evie Takacs 22:52
Like, it just would be easier. If everyone's in one spot. We don't have all these separate things, or separate, you know, parts of us just realizing that it's all one is one connected.
Toréa Rodriguez 23:01
Yeah. So if you visualize that herd of sheep, and they all go together, right, that's, that's what we want. That's what we want with this kind of work is like, Oh, the whole herd of sheep are gonna move together, you might get one straggler every now and then right, that needs the shepherd dog to bring it back in. But, other than that, like, that's really what unity is all about is bringing those pieces together. So I know this is a bit of a divergence of topics from some of the stuff that we've been talking about in the past, but it's all integrated, right? This is all about how can we be our healthier versions of ourselves, and if we don't pay attention to this part of the stuff that's going on in the brain, those of you who don't have the video, don't see me pointing at my head. But it's the stuff that goes on in the brain and in the mind that can really contribute to the physiology and to the biology and that's why we think it's important enough to have a whole conversation about it.
Evie Takacs 23:53
Yes, definitely. I think is very powerful. And I'm excited that we can share that on the podcast now.
Toréa Rodriguez 23:58
Yeah. So if anybody has any questions, or if they had an epiphany while they were listening to this episode, please just reach out to us on DMs on Instagram, or send us a question. We'd love to hear from you, and we appreciate your feedback. Any little bit of feedback is amazing. We love the reviews. We love the feedback. They're super important for podcasters, and so thank you for listening. And if you have a friend, of course, share this with a friend and we'll see you guys next time.
Evie Takacs 24:24
Have a great week.
Toréa Rodriguez 24:30
Hey, thanks for joining us for this episode of the Wildly Optimized Wellness podcast. If you’re ready to dig deeper into your health, stop playing the Whack-a-Symptom game, start testing to get better guidance, you can find more about Toréa at torearodriguez.com and you can find Evie at holisticallyrestored.com. Want a peek into what it’s like to work with us? Come join us at our Optimized Wellness Community. You can find the invitation link in the show notes below. And if you have a question for the show, you can submit your question under the podcast section of torearodriguez.com. Finally, if you found something helpful in this episode, don’t forget to leave a review, hit that follow button or share it with a friend. They’re gonna love that you thought of them. Until next time, see you outside!
