Circumstances vs Excuses | S1E10 (E010)
One of the most grey areas when talking about health can be determining whether a situation is a circumstance, or is it an excuse? Evie and Toréa would assert it's not black or white, nor should it be expected to be so separate. Listen in on the discussion on ways to determine which is which, and how to modify as appropriate for each.
In This Episode
Free Training happening 18 April (01:09)
What is a circumstance vs an excuse (02:42)
When is modification the best approach (06:08)
Allowances becoming excuses (08:50)
Gaming the system of circumstances (12:11)
How many perspectives on the same event (17:22)
Can’t allow the current circumstances to affect your mood (19:37)
Getting creative with change (24:05)
Resources Mentioned
Register for the Free Training April 18th
Join the Optimized Wellness Community
Submit your question for the show!
Transcript
Toréa Rodriguez 0:08
Welcome to the Wildly Optimized Wellness podcast. I am your host, Toréa Rodriguez. And I'm joined by the lovely co host, Evie Takacs. Both of us our Functional Diagnostic Nutrition practitioners and we love working with women from all over the world, through our virtual programs, helping women not only feel better, but actually achieve that vibrant, no holds barred version of themselves, they've been missing for a long time, and how we actually get there. Well, that is what this show is all about. Now, please keep in mind that this podcast is created for educational purposes only and should never be used as a replacement for medical diagnosis or treatment. And if you like what you hear today, we would love for you to hit that follow button, leave a review in Apple podcast, share with your friends, and keep coming back for more. Let's start today's adventure shall we?
Real quick, before we dive into today's episode, I wanted to remind you that there's a free training that is happening on April 18. And if you have been working on your health for a while, but you feel like you've hit a plateau. Or if you're getting that nagging little bit of intuition, like something else might be at play here, but I just can't see it, then this free training is just for you. So the link is in the show notes. Click on that link, register to save your spot for the event. And we'll send you a reminder when it's happening. And we'll see you at the training. Let's dive into today's episode.
Welcome back, everybody to the final episode of season one. I can't believe this has happened so fast. But here we are on episode 10. This is amazing. So thank you so much to everybody who has left a review. Thank you so much for the people who are asking questions on social media and sending in question information. We really, really appreciate the feedback. I'm excited today to talk about a topic that it can be quite a jumbled up ball of yarn, or a exploding can of worms depending upon how you want to think about it. But this concept of circumstances versus excuses. And when are we making an excuse or when are... when is that really our circumstance? And sometimes this is such a gray area. That's why I wanted to talk about it. Because even you and I, Evie, even I know both of us struggle with this sometimes ourselves. So I think it's a great thing to talk about.
Evie Takacs 2:42
Yeah, absolutely. I was telling Toréa before we started recording, like this happens to me myself all the time. I mean, I see this with clients. And it is really difficult because sometimes you have to remove yourself from the coach's position and really look and listen to that person's story and see, okay, is the reason they didn't do this. Is that really because of their circumstances? Is there a true reason for this? Or are they making excuses? And that's really hard to do, piled on top of having a two year pandemic, a lot of times I'm like, well shoot, if the pandemic wasn't happening, would they have done that? Or is that the circumstances that they're in, piled on top of all the things and changes that have happened in that time... So it's really hard to remove yourself from that, and obviously not place judgment, because we don't ever judge in that way. But just in general, like, would they have done this? Like, could they have made this happen? Are they just making excuses? That difference is kind of hard to decipher, as a coach, but then even personally, I do that with myself. There will be times I will say I'm gonna do this one particular thing, and I don't do it. And then I'm like, well hmm, I wonder why I didn't do that. And I'll say, Oh, I didn't do it, because and then I have to stop. And I'm like, well, is that an excuse? Or a reason why I didn't do that. And sometimes that's really hard to tell the difference?
Toréa Rodriguez 3:57
And absolutely can be.
Evie Takacs 3:58
Yeah, I was telling Toréa, you know, an example I have of this just with a client, let's say you have a goal. Usually when you're working with a coach, you're going to set some goals, because that's what we want to measure, like, are we reaching these goals and how we measure things?
Toréa Rodriguez 4:13
Yep
Evie Takacs 4:14
That's most likely why you come to someone you're not really going to show up at a health coaches office, like I don't really know what I want to do. So you're gonna have goals. And let's say a goal of yours requires you to get up to go to the gym, and you have to get up three times a week at 6am. Okay, great. That's your goal. So let's say that the morning comes around, and it's 6am. But you were up all night with your small child, you have like a two year old, let's say and they're not sleeping through the night. So you got maybe about four hours of uninterrupted sleep. And then you got a bunch of like interrupted sleep the later hours of the night. So you wake up and you've had very little sleep, very little restful sleep. And your goal though, is to get up and go to the gym at 6am. And that's what you set out for yourself the night before. You know you're like Tomorrow's the day. Well, what do you do? Do you get up and push yourself and go to the gym? Even though you didn't sleep well. Because you know that could potentially do more harm, you're not going to have proper form maybe you're too tired not paying attention. You don't have energy, your body didn't detox the proper way at night, right? Your your systems weren't working properly. So what do you do? Do if you skip the gym? Is that an excuse? Or is that a reason? And that's where it gets to be difficult, because I would argue that it could be both, it could be an excuse of, well, I didn't sleep well. So that's why I'm not going to go. But also the practitioner side of me is like, well, that's also a reason not to go if you didn't get quality restful sleep, you have no business going to the gym anyways. Because you're not going to be your body needs that rest, you know, I have a rule like I've, I've X amount of hours that I have to get before I can go to the gym, and I've skipped the gym some days, where if I don't hit that time, and to me, that's a reason to skip the gym. It's not an excuse. So there's a difference there. But I think people have trouble deciphering that for themselves too, because we hold ourselves at such high standards. And so the mom that was up all night with their kid is gonna say what well, then if I don't go to the gym at 6am, then I'm, I'm letting myself down, or I'm falling short of my goals. But the reality is, is that, that's probably going to help you reach your goals faster anyways, because if you give yourself that day to rest, then you're going to feel better. And you're going to show up even better when you do get there. And so getting rid of that all or nothing mindset to I think plays a role in this as well like excuse versus circumstance. Because again, someone with an all or nothing mindset would say, Well, I have to go this day because I said I was going to even though I'm not going to even though I didn't sleep well. And that's just going to then negatively impact their workout and then the rest of their day too.
Toréa Rodriguez 6:39
Yeah. And you brought this up a couple times around having the coach's mindset, right of like, okay, I'm thinking like a coach right now. And one of the things that I see with clients who are trying to make some changes in their health or their lifestyle, or make some adjustments, is something that we touched on in the episode, when we were talking about breaking up with yourself, right, where you get very ingrained with who it is that we are right now. And we look at, okay, something new that I want to do, that's going to require that I make all these changes, it's like all or nothing. And I don't know how to shift my work responsibilities and my house responsibilities and my family responsibilities. And the kids like homeschooling, and getting them off to some kind of athletic practice, like all of that stuff needs to kind of shift. And those are the circumstances that oftentimes turn into excuses that lead somebody to not make a change. So I loved your example. Because we can't be so black and white about this, we can't just say okay, you decided that you were going to improve your health and hire a coach to do that. Therefore, you need to stop being a Mom, stop going to work so that you can go to the gym three times a week, and you know, do all this new stuff, right? Like that's too black and white. And there are going to be times where you may have said something like you wanted to go to the gym at six in the morning, every three days a week or whatever. But those current circumstances aren't optimal for you to do so. So this is really that discerning gray area of like, well, it's an excuse, like, I'm tired. I don't want to go to the gym. Don't go to the gym. It's okay, right. But we also want to pay attention to when am I allowing those things that I committed to before and didn't carve out the space for the new things that I'm doing? Or when am I allowing the thing that I want to not be important enough to make those changes? Like that's where this becomes such a gray area. And I think this is why we all kind of struggle on this one a little bit of like, really pausing for a moment to get that perspective of what's going on here. And looking at the whole picture of what affects the other thing, like the sleep affects the being ready for a workout kind of thing.
Evie Takacs 9:13
Yeah. Going back to that example. Let's say you don't go to the gym at 6am that day. Well, can you go for a walk later on? Can you make sure you eat really nourishing food? Can you do all the other things that you're supposed to be doing for your health that day? Yeah, most likely, you can pick two or three things that you are in control of. So that's the point, even if you can't do everything 100% And you set out to do all these things, and you might end up having an excuse or there's a circumstance that has to be changed. You still have control over some things. And that's what I'm trying to drive here is that you absolutely have control over some of that stuff. So it's not an all or nothing thing. So maybe you go for a walk instead, as you were saying this. This actually happened to me this morning. Today. It was a morning that I woke up and I really didn't feel like going to the gym but I knew that I only I have certain amount of days that really work pretty well with my schedule to get to the gym. And I've been working really hard this year, right? We're three months into this new year, to be more efficient with my time and be really focused with my time. And this is one of those things. And so I woke up and I said, last night I was like, "okay, tomorrow's the day, I'm going to get up and I'm gonna go to the gym, I had this whole plan and my breakfast and my workout clothes were ready and all that." Well, I woke up and I didn't really feel like it. I wanted to move I wanted to work out. But I didn't want to do the workout that was programmed for me because I'm following programming. And so I thought, well, I could skip it altogether. But then that feels like a big excuse. Just because I don't want to write I had no real reason not to go. But I was like, Well, I can at least go and maybe I can swim, because swimming sounds fun. And that's part of the reason that we joined this gym is because they've an indoor pool, and I really want to swim. So I was like, well, maybe I can just do that. And so I set out, I took you know, my swim stuff, I took my regular workout stuff, and I get there and I just start doing the normal programming stuff. And I was like, you know, I can't do the intensity that I would normally do. But I'm at least gonna do some of it. And that was a huge shift for me. Because again, I had every I was trying to make excuses of like, Why can't do that because I don't feel like it or I can't swim, because that'll take too much time or can't do that. And so then I stopped and I said, Well, what can you do Evie? Okay, you can do a little this programming, and maybe you're not going to do it as intensely. And you're not going to do it 100%. But you don't have to make an complete excuse about this. And you can just use your circumstances where I'm tired. I'm feeling a little lethargic in general. But you can adapt to that. And so I adapted and I still got a workout in wasn't what I would have been maybe a week ago, but it was still effective. And so that's where I had to decipher, is this an excuse? Or are these my circumstances? As we were talking about it earlier, I realized, like I did that this morning of I had every reason I had every excuse that I could have used. But I instead decided to say hey, you know what, I'm just gonna do what I can tweak it a little bit. And that way, the reason I didn't go as hard, you know, in quotes, as hard on my workout was a real reason. But it didn't completely throw off my entire schedule. So I didn't let it be a complete excuse.
Toréa Rodriguez 12:11
Yeah, I love that example. And I was just thinking about a conversation that I had with a client recently where, you know, they've got a very busy corporate style job. And I find everybody who is in a corporate style job, like they go from meeting to meeting to meeting to meeting, right, that's just kind of their day. And we were talking about making time to nourish, in the middle of the day, this thing called Lunch. It's a great concept, right? Having a meal time. Yet, lunch for this client turned out to be grabbing something super quick, like a bag of chips in front of the computer and things like that, right? And just like I need to eat, but I can't because there's all these meetings on my calendar. And so we were talking about, can you change that? And the first response that came out of that client's mouth was, No, I can't change it. This is the corporate culture. And I said, Great, that is the corporate culture, and you still control your calendar. The next response was, but there's no space in my schedule for a couple of weeks. And I'm like, great. When's the first one? Right? So once we found that first, like, open block at lunchtime, I helped my client recognize, oh, I can block that. Right. And it's something that we think, Oh, I should do that. I'll get around to it later. And then we don't. And then because it's open, people are going to fill in our schedules, because we're open, right? So that's kind of what happens. And so really breaking through that, instead of having the excuse of this is the company culture, I can't change the way I nourish myself when I'm at work really became a okay, how can we work with the current circumstances that are happening in this corporate culture, and game the system in a way, like get far enough ahead of the schedule so that lunch can be blocked out? So that you can actually make something that isn't a bag of chips,
Evie Takacs 14:06
Right! It's so hard because there could be a reason of oh, this is just how it is, or I can't take this time or my work really depends on me at this time. And again, you're like, Well, let's look at the circumstances. And I like that you. You didn't force it of like, well, this has to change immediately, because sometimes that just can't happen. But you're like, what do we have that we can work with? And how do we optimize that?
Toréa Rodriguez 14:26
Yeah. You know, it's interesting, because one of the things that we're trained as coaches is to really step back and recognize Are there patterns with somebody's behavior? And so we, we study behavior a lot as coaches and so, you know, looking at these patterns of behavior, you know, there's a saying that how we do one thing is "how we do everything." And that's something that's been really helpful for me as a coach to identify when is somebody allowing their circumstances whether it's the family emergency that always crops up at the exact time they're trying to make a change for themselves. And oh, how uncanny that yet another cousin needs help with something like, it's these kinds of things that we can get in that rut of falling prey to those circumstances as being disguised as an excuse. And so this is why it's such a great area. But it's interesting when you start looking at those patterns. So I loved what you asked yourself, what can I do? One of the things I've asked my clients to really look at themselves and take an honest look, because sometimes that's what this work is all about, like taking some honest looks at ourselves and being a little bit vulnerable, but really noticing when they're trying to do something, how often does life get in the way? Is that something that tends to show up in our lives so that we can get out of doing something that might be hard? And that is the time when you want to recognize, okay, that's there? And how can I work with the current circumstances that I have with my family, or my financial situation, or whatever that happens to be to be able to make that one small change? Because that's all it takes.
Evie Takacs 16:18
Yeah, and you know, what else I'm realizing as you're talking is that this is so cool. And I think it's cute. But everything we're talking about now is really encompassing the whole first season, we've touched on little things that we've talked about in more detail in all these other episodes. So it seems like a really appropriate way to close out the season, because we're talking about, you know, we talked about breaking up with our old selves and thought patterns. And we've talked about how to make habits stick. And we've talked about, you know, secondary gain and all of that, and all that is really wrapped up in this circumstance versus excuse conversation. Because, again, I think that's part of the reason it gets kind of sticky is because it is so involved. And it has encompasses all these different aspects. But I just think it's really interesting. And again, even more reason to be doing that work and to be really focusing on on the stuff that we've talked about this whole entire season, because all of that leads to these sort of conversations that we have with ourselves, and that we can have with other people to ultimately better ourselves.
Toréa Rodriguez 17:22
Yeah. And what's really interesting about what you just said, is, really what we're talking about is we're talking about a perspective, there's a thing that's happening. And you can have two perspectives on the exact same thing. And one can be an excuse, and one can be a circumstance, right? And so the question really is, how are you going to hold your own perspective on that same event? And that is kind of what boils down to a lot of the mindset coaching that we use is really looking at what are these different perspectives that might be happening? And how can I choose which perspective I want. So when we're recording, we're in a time where fighting has broken out between Russia and the Ukraine. And there are different perspectives happening. There are people in Russia that have a different perspective of what's happening in Ukraine. And it's all about these perspectives that we are carrying, I'm sure 1000 people have opinions about this, too. But that's my point is that it can be one event, but multiple perspectives about it.
Evie Takacs 18:33
Right. And just like other things we've talked about on the podcast, you get to choose which one is yours. So you know, you get to choose how you handle these things. You get to choose the self talk that you have, you get to choose the beliefs that you have about yourself, you get to choose whether you pay attention to certain beliefs or thoughts or not. And you get to choose if the certain situation that you're in if your behavior is going to be due to a circumstance or due to an excuse.
Toréa Rodriguez 18:59
Absolutely. And I think one thing that I do want people to walk away from this episode understanding is that it's not about what the circumstance is. We all have circumstances. It's about how we allow the circumstance to run our life or choosing are we going to run our life and make a small change around that circumstance. I guess you could think about it in the terms of like victim mentality versus empowerment mentality. It's kind of the same shift in words and perspective.
Evie Takacs 19:35
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.
Toréa Rodriguez 19:37
And one of my favorite coaches always said something to the effect of you cannot allow your current circumstances to dictate your mood. And I love that because I can, like you, not get good sleep and wake up and just feel like not very motivated to do what's on my plate that day, and I can approach that whole day as "man I'm tired. And I just want to complain to everybody and let me text a bunch of people about it" or whatever. Or I can approach it as, okay, cool. Not that much sleep. So what can I shift around my day so that I can make it through the day and maybe not push so hard and power through a bunch of things, and maybe I give myself a break for a chance, you know, those kinds of things can be really life changing, when we recognize that we have the power to choose in that way.
Evie Takacs 20:30
Yeah, and I'll say that, you know, the example I gave of what happened earlier with myself, that is not how the version of Evie three years ago would have handled the situation I would have just powered through because there are no excuses, right? That would have been my thing. And now I'm like, Wow, this isn't an excuse. This is a reason this circumstances call for a different approach. And that's huge, I wasn't able to do that. And maybe you're not at that point where you can do that on the fly either. And that's okay. But hopefully, you understand that you can get to that point, too. And it's always changing. And I think I'll get better at it as I continue to work on these things and really go inward in that way. But again, not everyone's at that point. So it's difficult as a coach, because you do have to take the person, you have to meet the person where they are. Some people aren't ready to have that decision making skill, or they're not ready to learn that or they're, or maybe they just aren't even ready to accept that sometimes there are excuses. And sometimes you do have to just chill, you know? And so it's it's very individualized in that way.
Toréa Rodriguez 21:32
Yeah. And I think you hit the nail on the head, right? There's that you have to take every situation or moment that you're talking about that you're trying to make this decision about your perspective, right. So there's a lot of decision making processes in here embedded, but you have to really consider what's surrounding it. And what's unique about it for today, as opposed to applying this blanket like "Well, you said you were going to do it. So you got to go big or don't do it at all." It's that craft, I guess that we've developed over time of really taking each situation, analyzing it for what it is, as opposed to just applying some kind of blanket rule to it.
Evie Takacs 22:15
Yeah. And I have a client who she has worked with a trainer in the past. And the trainer had all these, you know, expectations and goals that they had set in some of them were like, you're going to get 10,000 steps, no matter what every day, you're going to get four workouts a week, you're going to log all your food and all this stuff. And she's a mom,
Toréa Rodriguez 22:36
woo that's a tall order.
Evie Takacs 22:37
Yeah, she's a mom, though. She's married, you know, a wife, she's a mother to three small kids. She is also back in school, and she works part time. That is a lot to try and do. And she was really concerned at some point about, well, I'm not doing all this stuff. And like she was talking to me about it. And I just think like, you cannot apply these things as blanket statements to everybody, because you just can't do it. Because now that person feels defeated, like, Oh, I didn't hit my goals. And so therefore I'm not, I can't be successful, or I stink at this, or I'm never going to reach my health and fitness goals. And that's just not true. Because you can absolutely do that without hitting every single goal in that way, especially when it's a tall order like that, for someone who's just not their circumstances right now, most likely don't allow for that. And so like, that's even a lot for me. And it's just me, right? Like, I don't have kids and Danny, I mean, we're self sufficient. So that's just a lot of stuff to to ask for. And so I don't want people to think that these blanket statements, they can be very harmful in that way. Because you just can't expect that the same two people are gonna be able to do these things like I might be able to swing that, but it'd be kind of hard for me to do that. But there's no way that someone else can do that, who also again, is working on other internal things and has other goals that they're working on. That's the difference there. And so remember, like there's a time and a place to push, and there's a time and a place to relax. And you have to know the difference. And you have to know which time requires what skill.
Toréa Rodriguez 24:05
Yeah, it's interesting, because you're talking about this. And I'm what's coming to mind is another example of somebody who that I know personally, who has really worked at a lot of different aspects in their life and came from a place of needing to make some serious changes, right. So some health and wellness related changes, some financial related changes, relationship changes, like a lot of changes. And it's really fascinating because when we're looking at making a lot of changes, like the example you just gave, like, I don't think I would have piled that much on to a client knowing that there's that much going on behind the scenes, right. But when you're making a lot of changes and you just pick one area to focus in on and you master that and say let's it's the eating part, you get that down, you know how to shop well you Know how to, you know, batch cook, you know how to feed yourself? Well, you know how to nourish yourself, now you've got this routine going in, it's great. Yet there's another area of your life that's still calling for attention, and you're trying to make those changes. This is one of those areas where it's like, well, I can't change that healthy eating that I've finally mastered. Because if I do, then that'll all go to hell. So how do I even carve out the time, so that I can go, you know, take a accounting course? Or whatever the hell it is, right? Like, how do you make these changes, and we were talking about, well, maybe it's not all or nothing like maybe it's not forget about the Healthy Eating part. But maybe it's finding a different way to do it, so that you can free up some of your time, once a week, so that you can take an online course or whatever that happens to be, it's really taking a look at your current circumstances, how much of those are like set in stone? Really? And how much flexibility is there really, so that we can make some shifting around those so that they don't become excuses? So anything else on this topic? I know, this is this is a muddy water topic? It's a hard one to talk about? For sure.
Evie Takacs 26:18
It is it is. But I think that, again, we've covered a lot with that. And it's just taking that honest look of like, okay, what are the circumstances? What can I control in these circumstances? And can I give myself some slack? You know, instead of doing it 100%, you know, because maybe there is a real reason why you can't do things 100% Like you would before, but can you at least modify and get something done or, you know, do a little bit of something. That's kind of my takeaway for this episode.
Toréa Rodriguez 26:49
Which is beautiful, because we are our own worst critics, all of us are. So take note of how much you've been beating yourself up over certain things, right, and have some space for some self compassion, like what you did today with your modifying your workout instead of skipping it all together. That's a sign of self compassion of, okay. I don't really want to do the full thing. But I can do at least a little bit of it. Right? So that's having some self compassion and having the flexibility to modify in the moment, which I think is, is awesome.
So you guys know what to expect. We are wrapping up season one, which means that you won't see a couple episodes for a few weeks, we'll be launching Season Two coming at you pretty quickly in about three weeks time. So have a wonderful break. I hope you spend a lot of that time outside. And we'll see you in season two.
That's it everybody. Season One is in the books. And there will be a couple of weeks where we're going to take a break, get Season Two ready to go. But in the meantime, what's happening is that free training on April 18! So click the link in the show notes. Grab yourself a spot register for that free training. I can't wait to see you there. And we'll see you in a couple of weeks for Season Two.
Hey, thanks for joining us for this episode of the Wildly Optimized Wellness podcast. If you're ready to dig deeper into your health, stop playing the Whack-a-Symptom game, start testing to get better guidance, you can find more about Toréa at torearodriguez.com and you can find Evie at holisticallyrestored.com. Want a peek into what it's like to work with us? Come join us at our Optimized Wellness Community. You can find the invitation link in the show notes below. And if you have a question for the show, you can submit your question under the podcast section of torearodriguez.com. Finally, if you found something helpful in this episode, don't forget to leave a review, hit that follow button or share it with a friend. They're gonna love that you thought of them. Until next time, see you outside!
